Vulnerable April

Many people think they know April Lynn Tanner Sutton, but do they really know me? *laugh* No. They have merely only heard "rumors" or "stories" of how I use to be. Consider the possibility there is a torn woman behind the thick skin that people see. Consider the possibility there is a hole in my soul that one cannot see from the surface. Not many people realize how deep of a hole there really is. Well, perhaps given recent events regarding lack of communication concerning my daughter, it's about time I shed a little light into April's life here.
Why you ask? Well, there have been comments made here and there. And, I have been left in the dark about things that took place with my daughter out of fear in how I would react. I have been told I am "scary".
I think it is time to fill some of you in on how I became this way. Perhaps then, you may begin to understand who I am, and why I am the way I am.

When I was in the 4th grade, I weighed approximately 135 pounds. Now days, that's not necessarily excessive, although, I was overweight. My concern at that time is that the teachers at Jackling Elm. weighed all of us in front of the entire fourth grade and then yelled the number out to the teacher across the room for everyone to hear. Although I wasn't even the fattest kid in the fourth grade, I sure wasn't the smallest either. Two wonderful boys sure didn't let me live that down for 5 miserable years.

From 5th grade until 9th grade I was known to everyone in school as "Miss Piggy". I was bigger than everyone by height, and some by weight. I have met every one of you in person, as you can all see, I am 5'9" and weight 190 pounds today. I have never been the skinny cheer leader type.

I already know what you are thinking, "April, now come on, you're not fat!" To a child, it doesn't matter. Yes I was. One boy defended me in school. Mark Lapuaho. I love him for that.

I learned real fast to use my size to my advantage. I also learned to fight and to defend myself. Back then, I wasn't very quick witted (believe it or not, I didn't learn sarcasm until I met Mike). With the help of numerous diets and laxatives, I became bulimic.

I didn't care. I just wanted the kids to leave me alone. I hated school. I hated the kids and most of all I hated the kids at church. I really hated Bryce Walker and Melanie Hall. I got hit with a baseball when I was in elementary school, and Melanie Hall went and told everyone at church that I was possessed by the devil because I had a blood clot in my eye. No one would have anything to do with me.

I became very depressed. Sometimes, I was even suicidal. Many times, I felt like I had only one friend. My only friend in this world was my brother, Mark. We hung around all the time. He took me to the Hockey games where of course, I watched fights. My favorite player was Kerry Clark because, well....he fought. That's how I survived.

By high school people knew not to mess with me and I had a binge eating disorder. I ate every few days, I wore a size three, I was on the basket ball team, taught country dancing, worked a full time job, everyone in school hated me, and frankly, I liked it that way. I  still suffered from bulimia because my biggest fear in life is not spiders, snakes, or the dark. April's biggest fear in life is being fat.

Nearly 2 years ago I was raped. After all these years, I thought I could handle anybody. I've always been the toughest, meanest, baddest, chick on the block. Not many people know about it. I don't talk about it. That experience humbled me. It was a slap in my face. It was a slap that I needed to bring me to terms that I needed.

I actually look at it as a good experience, believe it or not. You see, it was a bad experience, yes, but there was good in there too. I have changed my life for the better. I became active in the church again. I turned to the church and my friends there for guidance. I read my scriptures and pray for guidance like I have been taught.

Given recent events with my daughter, people, my own friends apparently find me "unapproachable". This saddens me. In fact, it breaks my heart. I have come to realize that they have no understanding to who I really am. I am merely meek, and weak, and afraid on the inside. I am humble and small.

I am who I am because I am broken, not because I am a bully and mean. And for those who cannot see that, it's only because you have not bothered to take the time to understand me.

And that....is vulnerable me.